Inside
by Shira
Summary: It's my rewrite of my older fic, Inside: Filia and Xellos. Rated highly for dark content. Wow, I've never had to say that before. Anyway, major angst, X/F... *COMPLETED*
1. LIFE

**_Hola! Shira here AGAIN! You know how I said I was going to do a rewrite of "Inside: Filia and Xellos"? Well, this is it! It's absolutely nothing the same as the original. None of the plot is the same, none of the ideas... the X/F concept is about the only thing the same, but I like this better than my original so far. This was inspired by an RP me and DS did. I was Xellos, and she was Filia, so I hafta give her a LOT of credit! About half, I think, for being Filia. If it weren't for her, a lot of this wouldn't have happened. Heck, none of this would have happened! So, thankies muchly to DS-chan for letting me write this ficcie!! I don't own Slayers, though I really really wish I did! We all know what I'd do if it were mine ^____^ Anyway, read on. No suggestions, please, I have it aaaaaalllll planned out. By the way, this part is sort of a preface to the actual ficcie, but it goes along really well! I wrote this on purpose!_**

***PREFACE*   
*   
*LIFE*   
***

How do you define living? Is it just breathing and moving? Or is there something more to it? Should there be change? Life cannot be without death. It's a never-ending circle. You're born, you live your life, bring forth new life, and then die. That's the way the world went. That's what life was. But that was not the way of things for Xellos Metallium. He was alive, in a sense. He was created by the Greater Beast Zelas Metallium. He was not born. He never changed, never died. He never lived. He existed, true, but in a way apart from others. He was immortal, never changing, always there. He went on endlessly for eternity, doing foul deeds for Zelas. His purpose in life was to serve her. He got nearly everything he could need: eternal life, a high-ranking position in the mazoku hierarchy... But he could never bring new life into the world, nor could he leave the world. His greatest wish, to die, could never be granted. He was tired of "living" and wanted his time on Earth to end. But it never would. And year after year, century after century, he'd just go on existing, doing whatever little deeds Zelas had planned for him. Thus it was for over one thousand years. Then Zelas ordered him to follow Lina Inverse. Xellos assumed it was just another job, but he soon found much more than that. He finally had a reason to go on existing, so he could see how Lina-tachi ended up. After about two years of following Lina, he met Filia Ul Copt, golden dragon priestess. She constantly argued with him, teased him, and tormented him as he traveled with Lina-tachi, and he did the same to her, but there was something about her that drew him to her. Then, about a year ago, she had revoked her priestesshood after destroying Darkstar, and took up residence in a small vase and mace shop she owned. Still, Xellos visited her frequently, sometimes to tease, but mostly just to see her. Visiting her was something he could do with his time while he existed. But, still, that dream of wanting to die, and finally ending everything, never went away. The few times that he'd successfully killed himself, he had just wandered around in a pitch black space until Zelas resurrected him. He felt he couldn't keep on "living" that way, but he had no choice. His existence would never end. He'd spend the rest of eternity in service to Greater Beast Zelas Metallium, the Beastmaster. To Xellos, it was Ju-ou-sama. 

**_Oh, in case I forgot to mention, this fic is going to have a lot of angst and some really in-depth stuff... just in case you couldn't tell by this lil preface doohickey._**


	2. MISSION

***CHAPTER ONE*   
*   
*MISSION*   
***

_"Xellos!"_

Xellos winced as he heard his name shouted loudly in his mind. Sighing, he left his dark room which looked more like a cell, and teleported to Zelas's throne room. He knelt down on one knee, one hand on his upright staff, the other across his chest. "Hai, Ju-ou-sama?" he asked respectfully. 

Zelas was sitting proudly in her large throne with arms ending in the heads of wolves. Her white-blond hair fell over her eyes, and her white tunic contrasted sharply with the dark gray of her throne behind her. A lit cigarette hung loosely from her graceful fingers. "Xellos, I have a mission for you," she said after taking a long drag from her cigarette. 

"Hai," Xellos said, not getting up from his kneeling position, though inside he was dreading what awful task she'd have him do this time. 

Crossing her legs and leaning forward to look down at Xellos, Zelas said, "I want you to go to the house of Filia Ul Copt." 

Xellos's eyes flashed open. What would Zelas want with her? 

"I want you to bring her here," Zelas told him. 

"Would I be allowed to ask why?" Xellos asked cautiously. He wouldn't want to be presumptuous by asking right out, but if he asked if he was allowed to ask, then it wouldn't be considered as disrespectful. 

Glancing down at Xellos through half-closed eyes, Zelas said, "You would be allowed to, but I wouldn't tell you. You don't ask questions in this profession. You just do as you're ordered." 

"Hai, Ju-ou-sama," Xellos said. Inside, he was seething. Zelas never told him anything about his jobs most of the time. And what in L-sama's name would she want with Filia? But the only thing Xellos could do was obey Zelas's orders, so he teleported away from there and appeared above Filia's mace and vase store. 

Putting on his mischievous grin, Xellos landed on the ground, and knocked on the door of the shop. 

Filia opened the door, her bright blue eyes ready to greet a customer or an unexpected guest. Instead, she saw Xellos. Her eyes narrowed, her eyebrows furrowed, and her grip on the doorknob tightened. She hadn't changed since Xellos had seen her last, except she no longer wore the talisman on her chest that signified that she was a priestess. 

"Xellos!" Filia growled through clenched teeth. "What are you doing here?" 

Grinning, Xellos reached into his cloak, and held out a package. It was wrapped in yellow paper, tied up in red ribbons, and topped with a bright blue bow. "Happy birthday," Xellos told her. He knew, of course, that it wasn't her birthday, but he had to have a good laugh before he took her to see Zelas, the reason for which he sincerely wished he knew. 

Filia glared at the present, and said tensely, "It's not my birthday." 

"It isn't?" Xellos asked, affecting shock. "Hmm... I think I'll just take this, then." 

For a second, Filia didn't say anything. Then, "Wait!" 

"Yes?" Slyly, Xellos started to put the package back in his cloak. 

"I still want it," Filia told him, her curiosity getting the better of her. 

Unsure, Xellos said slowly, "I don't know..." 

"Please?" Filia begged. "I really want to see what it is!" 

Xellos shrugged, and held out the package again, his grin back. 

Filia took the box in both hands, and took the bow off, followed by the ribbons and wrapping paper. She was about to open the box, she looked up at Xellos and asked, "Is anything going to jump out at me?" 

Xellos shook his head, his smile unwavering. 

Cautiously, Filia opened the box a tiny bit and peeked inside. When nothing leapt out at her, she opened it the rest of the way. She lifted out the gift inside, and found herself looking at a beautiful snow globe. Inside was a view of the Dragon Valley, the details in the sharp cliffs remarkably realistic. 

Filia cooed with awe. "It's so beautiful," she said slowly. 

"Shake it," Xellos told her, not dropping his grin. 

Without thinking, Filia shook the snow globe. Little tiny gold and black dragons started floating around in the scene. But as soon as the first dragon touched the bottom again, the snow globe exploded, creating a giant cloud of smoke around Filia's face. 

"XELLOS!" Filia growled. 

In front of her, Xellos was laughing his head off, using his staff to keep him standing upright. 

When the smoke cleared away, Filia's hands were still held out as if she were holding the snow globe, but it was gone. In its place was a pile of ashes. Her hands were charred black, as was her face. "XELLOS!!!" Filia shouted, reaching for her mace. 

Xellos saw that movement, and stopped laughing. He had no wish to be smacked by Filia's hefty mace. "Maa, Fi-chan--" 

"Don't call me that!" Filia yelled, holding her mace out at arm's length. 

"Actually, I have a purpose for coming here this time," Xellos told her. "Other than teasing you, I mean." 

Filia arched an eyebrow. "Oh, really?" she asked, completely sure that he had no legitimate excuse for being there. "Tell me, then." 

"Um... Lower the mace?" Xellos asked warily. When Filia did so, he went on. "The reason I'm here, is because Ju-ou-sama told me to. She wants me to bring you to her estate." 

Filia's mace dropped to the ground, and her eyes and mouth opened in shock. "Me?" she asked incredulously. "Why does Zelas want me?" 

"You have as much knowledge on this as I do," Xellos told her. "Ju-ou-sama just said to bring you to her estate." 

For a moment, Filia was speechless. Then she crossed her arms, turned her head away, and said, "I won't go." 

Xellos nodded, and said, "I figured you'd say that. And that's all well and good.... But if I don't show up with you at her estate, I'll be the one to get punished?" He paused a second to let Filia absorb that. "So, I have no choice but to take you against your will." 

"You'll do no such thing!" Filia yelled at him, her fists down by her sides. 

"Oh, wouldn't I?" Xellos asked, grinning mischievously. Before Filia could utter a protest, Xellos grabbed Filia's arm, and teleported away from the shop with her, leaving the mace behind on the floor in the small crater it had made when it was dropped. 


	3. WOLFPACK

***CHAPTER TWO*  
*  
*WOLFPACK***

When the two of them appeared again, they were on a long stretch of beach right by a huge body of water. Filia shoved away from Xellos, and looked around. There were large and wild plants growing just a little way inside the beach, while the beach itself was covered in bright white sand, dotted with shells here and there. 

"Where are we?" Filia asked, still marveling in her surroundings. 

"Wolfpack Island," Xellos said nonchalantly. Moments later, he got the response he wanted. 

"We're WHERE??" Filia demanded, glaring at him. "You brought me here?? How dare you!! I insist you take me back at once!" 

Xellos shrugged, and said, "I'll take you back right after you've talked with Ju-ou-sama." 

Filia crossed her arms, and said, "If that's why I'm here, why didn't you just bring we right into her room, her chamber, whatever?" 

"Because only mazoku can teleport in there," Xellos said. "We have to walk a little." 

"And if I refuse?" Filia asked snottily. 

Coolly, Xellos said, "Then I guess the wolves will have a nice lunch of Fi-chan Soufflé." 

Filia visibly paled. "Wolves?" she asked, unconsciously scooting a little closer to Xellos. 

"Hai," Xellos said, noticing Filia's apprehension. "They're very wild. Ju-ou-sama doesn't like to tame them. They eat anything they can get their teeth on." 

Filia didn't even have a moment's indecision. "I suppose I'll come with you, just to see what Zelas wants to tell me," she said. 

"I knew you'd see things my way eventually," Xellos said, grinning. "Now, follow me." 

*********

The two of them walked along the beach for about a half hour, Xellos making sure to keep in the sandy area. At one point, they had to climb over a large outcropping to remain on the sandy strip. When Filia asked Xellos why they went through so much trouble to stay on the beach, Xellos just answered, "Sore wa himitsu desu." When they finally reached Zelas's estate, Filia stared. The estate was enormous. Each of the steps on the giant staircase were at least five feet tall and twice as long. The double doors at the top of the staircase were fifty feet high at least, with large brass handles stretching all the way across them horizontally. 

"Is Zelas big enough to need all this?" Filia asked, her voice nervous. 

To her relief, Xellos shook his head. "Ju-ou-sama just likes things big." 

"How long will it take us to get to the top of those stairs?" Filia asked in awe, staring up at the giant staircase. 

"About two seconds," Xellos said, right before he took a hold of Filia again, and teleported, appearing at the top of the stairs just in front of the doors. 

"I thought you said only mazoku could telepo--" 

Xellos interrupted her by saying, "Once we reach the stairs, anyone in the company of a mazoku can be teleported anywhere on the estate." 

"Oh," Filia said. 

Just then, a booming voice echoed across the estate. It shook the walls, shouting, _"Xellos! Did you bring her?"_

Xellos winced, and answered, "Hai, Ju-ou-sama!" 

The thundering voice replied, _"Good. Bring her to the throne room."_ There was a silence after that that signaled the end to any further conversation with her. 

Filia looked scared, Xellos decided. She didn't know why Zelas wanted to see her, and was afraid of what would happen. But she wasn't showing her fear. It was only from the fact that Xellos had lived over a thousand years that he recognized the subconscious signs of fear. 

"I suggest we do as Ju-ou-sama asks," Xellos said. Who knew what she'd do if he disobeyed? Xellos still sincerely wished he knew what Zelas wanted with Filia. He wasn't quite sure why he was so concerned about Filia, but he was, and he wanted to know what would happen to her. 

"All right," Filia said. 

Xellos was a little shocked. Filia had been scared into submission? That was unusual. Normally, Filia would say "What if I don't?" or something along those lines. After hesitating a moment, Xellos took hold of Filia's arm and teleported with her to Zelas's throne room. 


	4. SERVANT

***CHAPTER THREE*  
*  
*SERVANT***

When they arrived, Xellos was instantly down on one knee, his arm across his chest, the other hands holding onto his staff. He bowed his head, and could almost feel Zelas's piercing gaze on him. 

"Is this the golden dragon?" Zelas asked. 

Xellos nodded, and said, "Hai, Ju-ou-sama. This is Fi-chan." 

Filia gritted her teeth, and hissed at Xellos, "Don't call me that!" 

"Lift your head, Xellos," Zelas said, and Xellos did so, but didn't stand up. "Now, Filia. Ex-priestess of the Fire Dragon King." 

"Hai, Zelas," Filia said, a slight tremble in her voice. "Why did you bring me here? What do you want with me?" 

Zelas lifted a hand, and leaned back in her throne, crossing her legs. "Be patient," she said. She lit another cigarette and brought it to her lips. "As you know, all of my servants except Xellos were destroyed in The War of the Monster's Fall." 

Filia nodded. 

"Well," Zelas continued. "Without proper help, it's nearly impossible to accomplish anything these days." 

Xellos paid close attention to what his mistress was saying. He'd never heard her talk about anything like that before. 

"When I sent Xellos out a few years ago, part of the reason was to aid in the destruction of Gaav," Zelas said. "The other part was to look for a new servant for me." 

Xellos's eyes opened in shock. He'd no idea he was supposed to do that! And Zelas had never told him, so what-- 

"That's all well and good," Filia said, a little more strength behind her voice. "But what's that got to do with me?" 

"I told you to be patient," Zelas reminded Filia. "Now, every time Xellos reported to me, he told me of his traveling companions. Though he had no knowledge of it, he was giving me the information I needed in trying to find a suitable servant. He spoke of Lina Inverse, the spitfire sorceress, but she wasn't quite what I needed. There was her protector, the swordsman Gourry Gabriev, but with his elven lineage, it's impossible to do anything with him. The princess, Amelia, was too righteous. She'd drive me crazy with her justice speeches before I even got her here. The chimera, Zelgadis Greywords, was almost what I needed, but the magic Rezo instilled in him kept me from turning him into a mazoku. For a while, I had given up hope. Then Xellos told me of a young, violent, selfish lady by the name of Filia Ul Copt." 

Filia glared at Xellos at the description he'd told Zelas. Xellos, however, was unaware. His attention was focused completely on Zelas. He hadn't known the information he was given was being used to find a servant. And, the way Zelas was talking, she was going to-- 

"When Xellos told me you were a golden dragon priestess, I almost gave up hope," Zelas went on, interrupting Xellos's thoughts. "But then you revoked your priestesshood. You are now eligible to become a mazoku and serve me, just as Xellos does." 

For a moment, there was silence. Finally, Filia managed to squeak out, "Me?" 

"Yes, dear, you," Zelas said. "Now, there are two ways we can go about this. There's the easy way. You cooperate with me, and allow me to convert you into my mazoku servant--" 

"I wouldn't be a filthy mazoku if it cost me my life!" Filia spat, her dragon pride showing through. 

"Or there's the hard way." Zelas went on as if she hadn't been interrupted at all. "I force you into submission. Either way, I get what I want. A devoted mazoku servant." 

Xellos stared at Zelas. She was going to turn Filia into a mazoku! No! That couldn't happen. But, wait.... Why wouldn't he want that? Being a mazoku wasn't.... Xellos cut off his thoughts. Being a mazoku was hell. He didn't even really live, he just existed. He wasn't allowed to love anyone, he wasn't allowed to even care, he wasn't even allowed to die. Humans, and even dragons, had a limited time on Earth, and were released from their existence in the form of death. But Xellos couldn't be granted that release. It was a living hell. He didn't want Filia living like that. 

"I wouldn't serve you--" Filia started, but Zelas cut her off. 

"Once you are a mazoku, you won't have a choice," Zelas said. "You will obey me." 

Xellos had to speak up. "Ju-ou-sama, don't you think it's a little unwise to use a drag--" 

"Don't tell me what is wise and unwise, Xellos!" Zelas shouted. "I did not create you so you would tell me what to do! You know that!" 

"If you created Xellos," Filia asked. "Why can't you just create another?" 

With a heavy sigh, Zelas turned to Filia, and explained. "It's awfully draining to create a mazoku. Even us higher-ups can only do it once or twice. It just takes a lot less energy to convert someone. Even resurrecting a mazoku takes energy, you know." 

"Oh," was all Filia could think of to say. 

"Ju-ou-sama, maybe you could chose someone else to convert," Xellos suggested. He had to keep trying, he couldn't let Filia live like that. "With Fi-chan's priestess background, the conversion process would be very difficult and--" 

"Xellos!" Zelas snapped. "You were not created to think or to tell me what to do!! One more word out of you, and...." She trailed off, leaving the threat dangling, allowing Xellos to think of all sorts of nasty thing she could do to him. "So, Filia," Zelas said, turning back to her. "Will you cooperate, or will I have to use force?" 

Filia crossed her arms, and said, "I flat-out refuse to cooperate." 

Zelas shrugged, and sat up straight on the edge of her throne. "I have no choice, then." She lifted one graceful hand into the air, her palm towards Filia. "This will hurt, but it shouldn't kill you if you hold still. It will be so much easier with you severely injured, you know." 

Filia's eyes widened with fear when she saw Zelas's hand glowing golden, but she didn't move an inch. Xellos was amazed that Filia could stand her ground, but at the same time he was filled with dread. Suppose Zelas did kill Filia? Then what? Xellos didn't know why, but he felt that if Filia were gone, it'd hurt him terribly. But.... wasn't pain supposed to be pleasurable to him? Wasn't he supposed to enjoy pain? Then why was he dreading having Filia die? Xellos didn't understand anything right then, his mind was full of unanswered questions, but he did know one thing: he couldn't let Filia die or be converted into a mazoku. 

Xellos hadn't made up his mind about what he was going to do yet, when Zelas fired off her spell. Filia gasped, and her eyes widened even further as the spell came closer to her. Without even thinking, Xellos leapt up from his position on one knee, and jumped in front of the oncoming spell. The impact of the blow knocked him backwards into Filia, who caught him instinctively. 

"Xellos! You fool!" Zelas shouted. 

Filia, who was one the floor, Xellos laying halfway across her legs, stared in shock at him. His eyes were closed again, and he wasn't moving. "Xellos?" she asked tentatively. She shook him a little, but he didn't respond. "Xellos!" For some reason, Filia's eyes filled with tears when Xellos still didn't move. She didn't know why she was crying, though. She hated Xellos, didn't she? He killed off thousands of her people, she despised him and his kind. So why was she so sad that he was hurt? 

Zelas stood up abruptly, standing on the golden stairs leading to her throne. "Xellos, if you're dead, you will be punished like never before!!" 

Filia gasped. Xellos was dead? But.... But.... 

Quickly, and yet still in a dignified way, Zelas came down her stairs, and took a closer look at Xellos. "Kuso," she muttered. "He's dead again." 

"Again?" Filia asked, her eyes not leaving the now pale face of Xellos. She was vaguely aware of the fact that black blood was staining her dress and covering the floor, but she didn't really acknowledge it. 

With a sigh of frustration, Zelas said, "Yes, he does this sometimes. He tries to kill himself, though he know it doesn't work, and then I have to resurrect him, and it drains me terribly." She heaved another sigh, and said, "Sometimes I think he does it just to irritate me." 

"He tries to kill himself?" Filia asked, finally looking up at the piercing eyes of Zelas. "But.... why?" 

Zelas shrugged. "Search me." Suddenly, Zelas realized who she was talking to, and said, "I'll have to lock you up while I resurrect Xellos. Can't have you hanging about, now can I?" 

"Lock me up? Where?" 

"The dungeon," Zelas said as if it were the most obvious thing in the world. She let out a shrill whistle, and immediately two demons resembling wolves with wings walking on their hinds legs came into the room. Zelas said sharply, "Take the dragon to a cell until I send for her. Make sure she doesn't get out." 

The wolf demons growled, and then each grabbed one of Filia's arms and started to drag her away. Filia kicked and shouted and tried to get away, but to no avail. It was useless. All she could do was watch as she was taken further and further away from Xellos. 

After a few minutes, Filia was shoved into a small dingy cell. She braced herself against the wall as she was flung against it, and let herself slide to the floor as the barred door slammed shut. The wolf demons each took a guard position on either side of her cell door, making it impossible for her to leave. Despondent, Filia hugged her knees to her chest, dropped her forehead to her knees, and cried. Xellos was dead, and it was her fault, and no matter what she did, she was going to be turned into a mazoku. If Xellos had tried to kill himself before, then life as a mazoku must have been awful. Filia didn't want to know what it would be like, but she feared she'd find out soon enough, whether she wanted to or not. 


	5. UNDERSTAND

***CHAPTER FOUR*  
*  
*UNDERSTAND***

An hour later, Zelas stood up, sweat running down her tanned face, her bangs plastered to her face. Resurrecting took too much out of her. She didn't even have enough energy to convert the dragon into her servant anymore. No matter. She knew the perfect punishment for Xellos. 

On the floor, Xellos grimaced, and sat up, his hand on his chest where the spell had exploded. 

"Don't you know how much effort I have to put into resurrecting you?" Zelas demanded when Xellos was conscious enough to understand her. 

Xellos nodded, and said, "Hai, Ju-ou-sama." Under his breath, he added, "If it bothers you so much, don't bring me back...." 

"What are you mumbling?" Zelas shot at him. 

"Nothing, Ju-ou-sama," Xellos lied. One hand still on his chest, Xellos used his staff to haul himself back to his feet. 

Zelas paced in front of him, and said, "Xellos, thanks to you, I no longer have the energy to convert Filia into a mazoku." 

Inside, Xellos sighed with relief. He wondered where Filia was, since she wasn't anywhere around there, but he knew better than to ask Zelas. 

"So, I'm going to have you do it for me." 

Xellos's eyes flew open, and he stared in shock at Zelas. "What?" he asked incredulously. 

Grinning, her fangs flashing, Zelas repeated, "You will convert Filia into a mazoku." 

Xellos tried to protest, but he knew that anything he would say would result in harsh punishment. Then again, what could be worse than that? He would be sending Filia into a life of hell and destruction. "But, Ju-ou-sama...." he started, but he knew it was futile. 

"Go. Now." 

*********

Filia looked up at the door when she heard footsteps. Was it Zelas? Was her time finally up? There was no way out, and no way to stop Zelas. Her fate was inevitable. She was going to be a mazoku shortly, and there was nothing she could do to stop it. 

The footsteps got closer and closer. Filia tensed up, and waited to see Zelas at the bars of her cell. Instead, she saw Xellos. Filia stared openly. Xellos! He was alive! Zelas must have resurrected him already! But, there was something different about Xellos. He wasn't even looking at her, and he looked a little pale still. 

"Xellos?" Filia asked faintly. 

Without saying a word, Xellos unlocked the door, and opened it. After a moment, Xellos looked up, but he still didn't look at Filia. He couldn't bear to look at her. Instead, he looked just above her, and, with a monotone voice and an expressionless face, he said, "You have to come with me, Filia." 

"But.... why?" Filia asked, standing up. 

Xellos made sure to avert his eyes from Filia. "Don't ask questions," he said shortly. 

"All right," Filia said, a little unsure. Slowly, she walked to the door, glancing apprehensively up at the two demons before stepping out into the hall. Xellos closed the door behind her, and started walking down the dark hallway. "Where are you taking me?" 

Xellos didn't answer her, but just kept walking. 

Filia didn't move from her spot. "Xellos, what--" She stopped when she heard the growling of the demons right behind her. Quickly, Filia ran and caught up with Xellos, deciding that following him would be better than hanging around the demons. "Xellos, please tell me where we're going!" Again, Xellos didn't answer her. He just looked straight ahead, and kept walking. "Xellos, tell me what's going on! Please?" 

Xellos winced at the tone Filia spoke in, and stopped walking for a moment. She was pleading with him. She was afraid. He had to say something, but there was no easy way of putting it. So, instead, he just said emotionlessly, "I'm taking you to be converted." 

"You're.... what?" Filia asked in shock. She'd thought Zelas would have converted her, not Xellos. But why was Xellos doing it? Did he even care? 

Without another word, Xellos continued walking down the hallway. Filia, however, didn't follow him. "Keep up," Xellos said without pausing, and without looking back at her, speaking in the same toneless voice. 

"No," Filia said. Her voice wasn't loud, but it was determined, which made Xellos wince again. Very slowly, Xellos turned around, and, still not looking at Filia, began to walk back towards her. "I don't understand you," Filia said with a small shake of her head. 

"What don't you understand about me?" Xellos asked, standing in front of Filia, his eyes on the splace just over Filia's shoulder. 

"Everything!" Filia answered. "Like when you jumped in front of the spell! Why did you do that? And now!" 

Xellos clenched his fist around his staff. He couldn't tell Filia why he jumped in front of the spell, because he wasn't quite sure himself. Instead, he asked, "What about now?" 

Slowly, Filia shook her head, and wondered quietly, "What's wrong with you?" 

"Nothing's wrong with me," Xellos answered tonelessly. "I'm just following orders." Xellos turned his head, and said, "I don't want this to happen any more than you do." 

There was a moment's silence. Then, "What?" Filia asked, her voice almost a whisper. "Xellos, what are you--" 

"I'm under orders," Xellos said sharply, turning around again. He began walking angrily, and said, "Zelas ordered me to do this!" 

"No, I mean the other part!" Filia called out from behind him. "The part about you not wanting to do this!" 

Xellos stopped again, just about to take another step. His hand tightened again on his staff, but he didn't say anything. How could he possibly explain to Filia what it was like to be a mazoku? He didn't wish a life like that upon anybody.... especially her. 

"Xellos?" Filia asked tentatively, taking a half-step forward. 

With a small sigh, Xellos said, "I don't want this to happen to you.... or to anybody...." 

"What are you saying, Xellos?" Filia asked. "I don't understand." 

Under his breath, Xellos muttered, "Of course not." Then he continued down the hallway in anger that no one could understand what he was going through. "Please keep up," he said louder when he realized Filia wasn't walking behind him. 

Very quietly, but loud enough for Xellos to hear, Filia said, "No, Xellos. I want a straight answer." 

Slowly, Xellos turned around again. Taking slow, measured steps, Xellos headed back to Filia once more. 

"Well?" Filia asked, prompting Xellos to answer her. 

Xellos looked at Filia for a split second, before he had to look away again. He couldn't stand the look in her eyes. "I don't have a straight answer," he told her in a quiet, but sharp tone. He then took hold of her wrist, and pulled her alongside him. 

Filia struggled again Xellos's grip, asking, "What are you doing? What are you trying to say? What's going on? Xellos?" 

"I don't know!" Xellos said, frustrated with all the questions that he didn't have answers to, but wished he did. "I don't know what's going on! All I know is I don't want this to happen to you!" 

Filia tried to keep herself from being dragged along by Xellos. "But why?" she asked exasperatedly. 

"I don't know!" Xellos answered, almost shouting. 

"What do you mean 'you don't know'?" Filia demanded. 

All at once, Xellos turned around and faced Filia. "I don't know!" he said again. "I have feelings I'm not supposed to have! I'm asking questions I'm not supposed to ask!" He paused to calm his heavy breathing, and said more slowly, "I can't explain it. I just don't know anything right now." 

Filia looked at Xellos in slight shock. "I thought I had you figured out," she said, more to herself than to Xellos. 

"I thought that after one thousand years, I'd have myself figured out too," Xellos muttered. 

"So don't do this!" Filia said, trying to get through to Xellos. 

Shaking his head, Xellos said testily, "I have to." 

Desperately, Filia tried to talk to him again. "No, you don't! If you're feeling this, and you aren't supposed to, then maybe--" 

"No!" Xellos shouted, cutting her off sharply, and tightening his grip on her wrist. Then, finally, the things he'd wanted to tell someone for so long came spilling out in his frustration. "I have orders! And if I disobey them, Zelas will punish me, and I'll no doubt try to kill myself again! And what's worse, Zelas will bring me back! Do you know what it's like to want to die, and not be able to? Do you know what it's like to finally find release from this living nightmare, and then be brought back?" Xellos breathed heavily after that, not really realizing what he'd said yet. 

"You...." Filia started, ignoring the pain in her wrist from Xellos's vice-like grip. "You want to die?" 

"I can't expect you to understand!" Xellos snapped, looking away again. 

Softly, Filia said, "I may not understand, but you have to tell someone! This is eating away at you! I can tell!" 

Xellos turned, and looked Filia squarely in the eyes. With a stern, serious face, he said, "Life like this isn't living. I just exist. I see pain, suffering, and death every day of my existence. I kill myself to try to escape this, to escape this world and my existence, so these feelings inside me.... so they'll go away." 

"And then when Zelas brings you back, those feelings comeback?" Filia asked gently. 

"Yes, exactly," Xellos said, surprised that Filia could understand that well. 

Filia carefully covered Xellos's hand that was on her wrist with her own hand to try to ease his grip. He got the message, and loosened his hold a little. "Then don't go back to Zelas," Filia told him. 

"I have to," Xellos said, looking away again. 

"No, you don't!" Filia told him, gaining confidence in Xellos's confessions. "I've seen you before! You can walk away from her!" 

Xellos turned sharply to Filia again, and glared at her angrily, his grip tightening on her wrist again. "You don't understand, do you?" he shouted. "She created me-- CREATED me! She can enter my mind, she can read my thoughts, she can find me! Who knows what she'd do to me?" Much quieter, Xellos added, "What she'd do to others...." Xellos didn't even understand, though. He shouldn't care for others, he shouldn't care when he killed someone, he shouldn't care that he couldn't die, she shouldn't care that Filia was going to be a mazoku.... He shouldn't be feeling that strange emotion whenever he thought of Filia, or when he was around her. That pleasant sensation. He shouldn't have that. 

"I understand," Filia said in a strong, steady voice. "I understand completely. You're afraid of her! You're scared of her, and L-sama knows I'm scared of both of you, and yet--" 

"You're scared of me?" Xellos asked incredulously, his glare dying away. He'd never come off as scary.... Well, he'd never meant to.... But he really had? 

"Well--" 

"Why?" Xellos asked sincerely. 

Now it was Filia's turn to look away. Her eyes watered, and she said, "You threatened to kill me.... You killed my people.... And you're stronger than I am. As much as I hate to admit it, you are." 

Xellos finally let go of Filia's wrist completely. "None of it was my fault, Filia," he said quietly, trying to get her to look at him again. 

"I know," Filia said quietly. 

"Then why are you afraid of me?" 

Very, very slowly, Filia turned her head, and looked at Xellos with teary eyes, fringed with fear. "Because you did it," she said. "And you have the power to do it again." 

As Xellos realized the truth of Filia's words, he found himself saying, "I.... I do have the power, but believe me when I say that I'd give anything not to have this power anymore." 

"I know how it feels not to have control over my life," Filia said soothingly, referring to the Supreme Elder's rule over her life for the duration of her priestesshood. "But I found a way to escape it. I only wish that I know how you could, too...." Suddenly, Filia smiled. It wasn't a full smile, and her eyes still had tears in them but it was a smile just the same. "Maybe then you wouldn't irritate me so much," she said with a hint of a laugh in her voice. 

For a few moments, Xellos just looked at her in silence. She did understand, despite being a dragon. And yet.... Xellos stared at the floor, and said, "I have to take you down to.... to...." His voice became choked, and he couldn't finish his sentence. He took up Filia's wrist again, and started walking. Surprisingly, Filia followed without protest. 

"I know," was all Filia said. 


	6. FEELINGS

***CHAPTER FIVE*  
*  
*FEELINGS***

"We're there," Xellos announced about a half hour later. He stopped walking right in front of a large doorway leading into a dark room. Hesitantly, he let go of Filia's wrist, and waited for her reaction. 

Filia took half a step back, and said, "I know you don't want to do this." 

Shaking his head, Xellos said, "No, I don't. I really don't." Once again, he began avoiding Filia's eyes, not being able to look at her while telling her that he's going to turn her life into hell. 

"Then why do it?" Filia asked him. 

"I told you," Xellos said, a little irate at reanswering Filia's questions. "I have to." Without looking at Filia, Xellos stepped through the doorway ahead of him, the entire room illuminating from his presence there. Not surprisingly, Filia didn't follow him into the room. "Please," Xellos asked, in an almost begging voice. "Don't make this any harder than it already is." 

"But it's already hard," Filia reminded him. 

His fists tightening, Xellos shouted in frustration, "I know!" 

There was a slight pause, before Filia asked, "Do you wonder what will happen if you let me go home?" 

"Of course," Xellos said tensely. "Zelas will kill you instead of turn you into a mazoku, and she'll make my existence even worse, if possible. I'll try killing myself again, no doubt, and then just be faced with being brought back again. I can't stand the thought of you existing like I do, but there's no other way." 

"Xellos--" 

"Except," Xellos went on. "With you as a servant, she might not need me anymore. I could kill myself, and she could let me die.... But then you'd be in this hell on your own...." 

Offering a slight smile, Filia said, "Even hell is more bearable when you have someone there with you." Xellos walked back to Filia again, still not looking at her. "Right?" Filia asked. 

Instead of answering, Xellos just grabbed Filia's arm, and pulled her into the room. "Xellos!" Filia said, trying to get through to Xellos again. 

Inside the room was only one thing. In the center of the room was a flat table with wrist and ankle straps, the entire thing surrounded by a giant magic circle taking up almost the entire space of the room. It was to this that Xellos led Filia. He held her against the vertical metal, and the straps magically buckled around Filia's wrists and ankles. 

"Xellos, don't do this!" Filia begged. 

"I...." Xellos started, but he didn't know what to say. He sighed, and stepped away from Filia, outside the magic circle. 

Taking a last shot, Filia asked, "You don't want to do this, right?" When Xellos didn't answer her, she worried. "Right?" she asked more desperately. 

Holding his staff out in front of him, Xellos said, "You know I don't, Filia." 

"What if, after this, Zelas doesn't let you die?" Filia asked, grabbing for any lifeline she could think of. "Then what?" 

"I...." Xellos began. "I don't know.... But I have to try! It's my only chance!" 

Filia bit her lip, and struggled to think of something-- anything --to delay Xellos. His feelings. "Xellos! What are those feelings you've been having? The ones you aren't supposed to have?" 

Xellos lowered his staff. "I.... I don't know," he said truthfully. "I don't know how to explain them.... They're different, one's much stronger than the other, but both are.... are inappropriate for a mazoku to have...." 

"Try," Filia said simply. 

Xellos hesitated. "The.... the stronger one.... I usually get that when I think about...." He paused. Could he tell Filia that he got that strong feeling what he was thinking about her? He didn't know what it meant, but he knew that, as a mazoku, he shouldn't feel that. 

"About...?" Filia prompted. 

Xellos looked away, and said embarrassedly, "About you...." 

"W-what?" Filia stammered. That was the last thing she'd expected. 

Shaking his head ruefully, Xellos started speaking the chant that would start the conversion process. 

"No! Wait! Stop!" Filia shouted. 

"No, Filia," Xellos said. "I.... I can't do this anymore.... I'm sorry...." 

Filia groped around in her mind, and held onto the very last thought for her humanity that she could think of. "Xellos! Come here, please?" 

Xellos paused. Then, curiously, he set his staff down outside the magic circle, and took a few steps closer to Filia. 

"Closer," Filia prodded. 

Xellos honestly wanted to know why Filia wanted him to come closer, but he was very unsure. He cautiously took an extra few steps closer. 

"Closer, Xellos," Filia said, egging him on. 

After doing as Filia asked, Xellos's face was just inches away from Filia's. It was then that Filia did the last thing Xellos could possibly expect. She kissed him on the lips. Xellos backed up immediately out of shock. 

"Xellos, you may be a mazoku, a namagomi, a murderer, and a liar," Filia started. "But I think...." 

Stepping backwards a bit, Xellos asked, "But you....?" 

"I think that I.... I love you," Filia said quietly. 

Xellos stumbled backwards, landing on his back. He pushed himself into a sitting position with his hands, and stared at Filia. "You.... what?" he asked incredulously. 

"And I wanted to do that," Filia concluded. 

After a moment, Xellos realized that maybe.... possibly.... that was the feeling he got when he was around Filia, or even thought of her. But.... Xellos pushed himself back to his feet, and said, "Filia, you understand.... that doesn't change what I have to do." 

"Xellos...." Filia started. 

Xellos bit his lip, and went back to pick up his staff. He stood straight, and faced Filia. He opened his mouth to say the chant, but he couldn't make himself say it. He couldn't do that to Filia. He couldn't make her go through what he'd gone through. He.... he loved her. He couldn't do it. 

"Xellos!" 

Quickly, Xellos whirled around, and found himself facing Zelas, who was standing in the doorway. "Ju-ou-sama!" he said in surprise. 


	7. CONVERSION

***CHAPTER SIX*  
*  
*CONVERSION***

Zelas stepped into the room. "Xellos, why haven't you completed the conversion?" she demanded. "It should have been complete a quarter of an hour ago!" 

"Hai, Ju-ou-sama," Xellos started. "But.... I.... I just can't...." 

Zelas sighed in frustration, and stepped in front of Filia, just outside the magic circle. "I'll just have to do it myself," Zelas said irately. Filia gasped, and her eyes widened as Zelas started the chant for the conversion. Filia turned pleading eyes to Xellos, who was just staring at Filia. Xellos didn't know what he could do. 

Zelas neared the end of the chant, and a ball of glowing blackness appeared between her palms. Finally, she shouted the last rune word of the chant, and the blackness shot out of her hands, and straight at Filia. 

Again, Xellos acted purely on instinct. He didn't know what he was doing until he'd already done it. He teleported from his position across the room to the space directly in front of Filia. The black orb hit him squarely in the chest, causing him to stagger backwards. 

"NO!" Zelas shouted. "XELLOS, YOU IDIOT!!" 

Filia stared. All she could see was Xellos's back, but she knew that he'd taken the spell for her again. Her eyes filled with tears as she watched Xellos drop to his knees, and then fall face-first onto the stone floor. "Xellos!" Filia shouted. "Xellos, get up! Xellos!" Tears of pain and anger shed from Filia's eyes as she turned to face Zelas. "What happened to him?" she demanded, her voice screaming. 

"The fool mazoku stepped in front of the conversion spell!" Zelas shouted. "Now I don't have any mazoku servants thanks to him!" 

"What are you talking about?" Filia screamed. 

"Don't you pay attention?" Zelas snapped. "That was a conversion spell! It converted Xellos! He's human now!!" 

Filia's breath caught in her throat. "Xellos.... he's...." 

Xellos, still on the ground, was breathing heavily, and was shaking all over. His skin was very pale, sweat beaded on his face, and he kept his eyes closed. Using his arms to push himself up, Xellos achieved a sitting position, his arms shaking with the effort of holding himself up. When he opened his eyes again, they were no longer the violet slits they'd once been. Instead, they were a normal green. 

"You bloody idiot!" Zelas shouted. "You did that on purpose! I have no servants now! You're human!!" 

After taking a deep breath, Xellos pulled himself to his feet, and faced Zelas defiantly. "I know," he said coolly. 

"Why did you do that?" Zelas shouted, her fists clenched at her sides, and she stamped her foot to emphasize her question. 

Xellos took a half-step closer to Zelas, and said, gasping for breath every few words, "Because.... I'd rather.... become human.... than live in hell for..... for eternity..... or to see Filia.... become a mazoku...." 

"Hell?" Zelas asked. "Hell is where you go when you die! That's where I bring you back from!" 

"No, Zelas," Filia said boldly. "Here.... This is hell for him." 

Zelas shared her stares between Xellos and Filia. "Here?" she asked as if she didn't understand how this could be hell. 

Still shaking a little, Xellos nodded, and Filia said, "Hai." 

"You don't know what you're talking about," Zelas said angrily. 

"Yes, I do," Filia said. "He kills himself to escape you, but every time he does, you just bring him back again!" 

Zelas backed up. "Get away from me? Why?" 

Filia glared spitefully at Zelas. "It's not like you care, though!" 

Xellos, who was still breathing heavily, and was still shivering, backed up to Filia, still strapped to the metal table. 

"Th-This is foolish talk!" Zelas said quickly. "Come, Xellos, let me convert you back into a mazoku." 

Shaking his head, Xellos said, "No." 

"You dare defy me?" Zelas asked, shocked. 

"What, and let you control him again?" Filia snapped. "Why? Doesn't seem fair, does it?" 

Zelas glared at Filia, and screamed, "I created him!" She clenched her fists tighter, her sharp nails drawing blood from her palms. "He is mine!" 

Xellos shook his head again. In a very level voice, he said, "Not anymore, Zelas." 

"Show respect to me!" Zelas shouted, outraged that Xellos hadn't called her "Ju-ou-sama." 

Xellos just turned around, and unbuckled Filia's straps. She nearly fell from the vertical table from being in that position so long, but steadied herself quickly. 

"Xellos!" Zelas screamed at him, stomping her foot again. 

Filia turned to Zelas, and said, "It's over. Forget it." 

"I won't serve you anymore," Xellos said defiantly. 

Zelas debated for a moment. Finally, she glared at Xellos, and, her fangs flashing, said, "Then you'll have to die!" 

Unwavering, Xellos said, "Dying would be the greatest freedom I can imagine." 

"W-What?" Zelas asked cluelessly. "You.... you want to die?" She paused, and then, regaining her evil grin again, said, "Then, as your punishment, I will let you live. You want so much to die? Well, then, I won't kill you." With an evil chuckle, she said, "Lave the estate, Xellos the human, and don't come back." With that, she pivoted on her heel, and stalked out of the room. 


	8. HUMAN

***CHAPTER SEVEN*  
*  
*HUMAN***

For a few minutes, Xellos just stared at the doorway, as if half-expecting Zelas to come back. He then dropped to his knees, needing his hands to keep him up, and his arms shaking from the effort. 

"Are you okay?" Filia asked, concerned. 

Nodding, Xellos said, "My body isn't used to.... to being human. I just need time to adjust, and I'll be fine.... Just give me a few minutes...." His breathing had slowed down some, and his face regained a little of it's color. 

Filia knelt down beside Xellos, and said, "Xellos?" When Xellos looked up at her, she leaned forward and kissed him quickly. "I meant what I said, you know." 

Xellos cocked his head, and said, "It's strange.... That feeling.... it doesn't seem like I'm not supposed to have it anymore. It feels.... comfortable...." 

"You're human now," Filia reminded him. "Humans are allowed to have those sort of emotions." 

Xellos nodded. He then pushed himself to his feet, and was able to stand steadily without shaking. "Let's go," he said. "I can lead us out of the estate." He brought up his hand like he was holding his staff, and then stared at it. He dropped his hand to his side, and said, "This is going to take some getting used to...." 

Filia got to her feet as well, and said, "But don't worry, I'll be here to help you through it." 

*********

Once outside the estate, Xellos started to lead Filia off the grounds. But they were still on Wolfpack Island. As they went along the beach, they just walked in comfortable silence until Filia asked, "What will you do?" 

"Huh?" Xellos asked. 

"When we get back on the mainland," Filia said. "Where will you go? What will you do?" 

Xellos shrugged. "I guess I haven't had a chance to think about it yet...." 

"Well, you know," Filia began. "If you need a place to stay.... just until you figure out what you're going to do.... you can come to my shop?" 

Turning to Filia, Xellos smiled, and said, "I'd like that." 

Filia smiled in return, and said, "Good." 

"We're off the estate property," Xellos informed Filia. 

"All right," Filia said. "I'll teleport us to my shop, then?" 

Xellos nodded, and said, "I'll have to get used to not being able to do that, aren't I?" 

"You'll have to get used to a lot of things," Filia told him, coming a little closer so she could teleport off the island with him. 

In response, Xellos just nodded again. Filia hugged Xellos tightly, and the two of them teleported off Wolfpack Island. 


	9. LOVE

***EPILOGUE*  
*  
*LOVE***

So living is more than existing. In order to live, you must breathe, change, and love. Life is not truly living unless you have love. Xellos, who had lived the life of a mazoku for over one thousand years, had never known love before, as it was forbidden, and it was said that mazoku can't love. But no one is incapable of love, they just think they are. And those who think they are incapable of love find it when they least expect it. Xellos found it in his exact opposite. Dragon and mazoku, the most unlikely couple. When Xellos felt love for the first time in Filia, he didn't know what it was, but he knew it was important. He knew that Filia was important. The one you love is the most important person in your life. Remember that. No matter what, they must take first priority in your life. Never place anything else above them, for you never do know when they won't be around any longer. Also, remember, love can never die. It lingers. It haunts you. If you deny it, you will only feel it all the more stronger. You can't hide love, let it free, let if loose, and let it be known. Love was meant to be shared, but it can't be shared if you keep it cooped up. 

What is love? Can somebody tell me this?   
Is it a feeling within, deep inside?   
Is it the shivers you get when you kiss?   
Should you show it, or allow it to hide? 

Does it hurt when you're away from love?   
Do you get butterflies thinking of it?   
Is the symbol of this feeling a dove?   
Or is it a heart with skulls above it? 

Does love fade away? Does it really die?   
Can it last always in two people's hearts?   
If you start out great, will it someday fly?   
Can it last a lifetime on a bad start? 

Is love all chance, or is it meant to be?   
Will I know if I feel it inside of me? 

**_Well, how'd you like it? Oh, that poem up there? Property of me. Yeah, that's right, I wrote it.... We HAD to for AT English! Love sonnets.... Anyway! So, how'd you like it? Remember, half of this fic is all because of DS because she was Filia throughout the whole RP we did! I took lots of stuff word for word from our RP, so, DOMO ARIGATOU, DS-CHAN!!!!!!!!! Without her, this fic wouldn't have been possible!! ^____^ So, yeah, review, people!! It's nice to review! _**


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